It’s tanfest, that time when everyone in Paris comes back from their long summer vacations and competition begins for the best vacation tan.

I went to visit Big Fry’s school to find out the teacher’s name and bumped into “Tan-Sophie” (real name: Anne-Sophie), one of the French moms who looks tanorexic. Apparently, questioning someone’s tan factor in this city is grounds for a full on tan-attack! Here’s what went down:

La Mom: Hi there! How was your summer vacation?

(Sidebar: Note: you must ask this all important question at la rentrée. If you don’t, it’s considered impolite by the French.)

Tan-Sophie: Super! We spent a whole month in Sainte Maxime. Et toi? You don’t look like you went on vacation at all. (Ouch! 1 point to Anne-So.)

La Mom: We went back to the US for a month then spent some time in Corsica. You, by the way, aren’t very tan either for spending a month at the beach. (Rebound! Hit ‘em where it hurts – the tan. 1 point for moi.)

Tan-Sophie: (Offended look on her face) Well I’ve been back in Paris for a week already! Of course I’m losing my tan. You know, le bronzage du sud (a southern tan) is orange and doesn’t last very long. On the contrary, a tan from Brittany is far better because it’s deeper, darker, and lasts a lot longer.

(Sidebar: Leave it to a Parisian to point out the fine differences between a Riviera and a Brittany tan.)

La Mom: Well I had no idea there are such important differences between southern and northern French tans. 

Tan-Sophie: Excuse me for saying this, but you really should consider going a shade darker. You don’t want your husband comparing you to tan French women do you? (2 points to Anne-Sophie for that snide remark.)

La Mom: You obviously didn’t read the Journal du Dimanche while on vacation because if you had you would’ve seen the 2 PAGE ARTICLE on sun dangers and skin cancer. You know Anne-Sophie, those who don’t tan seem to have fewer wrinkles in the long run. You may want to stop now before you reach the point of no return.