They’re everywhere. I’m not sure, but I think they may even be more numerous than people. That’s right. Dabie to people ratio in my estimation = 3:1. I feel like they may take over the town at any moment and start making me eat Eukanuba with luke-warm water poured on it while I watch them eat bacon. I literally just saw a woman with two dogs wrapped up in one of those African sheets so they would be all snuggled against her like infants.

“What in the shell is a dabie??” you’re wondering.

A “dabie” is a dog that serves as a pseudo baby. They are coddled, swaddled and loved as anyone would treat their very own offspring. Except they have a tail and drool all over you.

“How can I tell a dabie from your typical spoiled domestic pet?” you’re asking? Well, here are a few key identifiers.

1) They are crippled.
Dabies cannot walk. Their owners are required to carry them everywhere, or find some other type of transportation, ie: Canine Bjorn, Pupoose or Dog Stroller.

2) Swaddlage
Dabies are often tiny, cold-blooded creatures. They require swaddling cloth and must be nestled safely against the warm bosom of their owner. Dabies would rather perish, suffocating between breasts, than be cold.

3) Style Gurus
Dabies are notorious for accessorizing. Be it bedazzled collars or little yellow slickers, Dabies know how to work the catwalk, even if they cannot actually walk (see point 1). It’s almost funny how often dabies can be spotted wearing some article of clothing with the word “spoiled” actually ON it.

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